Happiness

I am returning to blogging after nearly two years of silence. Why, you may ask?

In the past two years, I have lived and experienced things I’ve always dreamt of. I am currently living one of my best-case scenarios. And I am unhappy.

Or rather, I am not fully satisfied. It feels like there’s always something missing. No matter where I am, or whom I’m with.

And as I see myself on the brink of moving on from this chapter in my life, I am ashamed to admit that I did not fully appreciate everything I had. I could have been more grateful, could have taken more time to appreciate things and people.

Instead, I have spent the past year holding on to the reins too tight, afraid I might fall.

I regret the stress I put myself through. I did not deserve that.

2023 was fraught with experiences and realizations. 2024 is an opportunity to take a moment, admire, and strive for better and more heartfelt experiences.

I will honestly document everything I come to feel and learn.

– vodkandcokeplease

And this is how I let go of you.

I was sixteen when I realised I was falling in love with you. I didn’t know a single thing about you, but I fell anyway.

I was seventeen when I realised that you were completely different than what I imagined you to be. It changed nothing, I was still hopelessly in love with you.

I was eighteen when you first broke my heart. I had never experienced heartbreak before and when it happened, it felt like you’d taken a knife and stabbed it right through my chest and ribcage and into that beating thing, and silenced its rhythmatic thump-thump forever.

I was eighteen when it felt like the world had stopped spinning, when it felt like I was in a conscious coma so bad, I’d never feel alive again.

I was eighteen when I realised I needed to be wise beyond my years and learn to pick up the broken parts of myself, without any help from anyone.

I was eighteen and a half when I realised that healing was a process I was starting to get the hang off, when you stepped back into my life like nothing had ever happened.

I was eighteen and a half when I realised that you were bound to break my heart, again. And that I was gonna let you do it. Again.

You know why? Because even though thinking about you made my heart ache and my pillow wet with tears, I loved you with all my heart and that’s the saddest truth.

I was eighteen and a half when you decided to leave. Yet again. The blow this time was definitely not as shocking as the first one, but it was still pretty hard to come to terms with. I didn’t beg you to stay this time. I let you go.

I tried to be happy, I really did. I jumped into things and immersed myself in activities which would keep me busy enough to stop me from thinking about you, but you were always at the back of my mind.

I was eighteen and a half when you asked for another chance. And I let you have it. And that, was the beginning of the end.

I was nineteen years of complete candour when I told you how I felt about you. How I had always felt about you. But you? You were lying when you said you felt it too.

I was ecstatic. Now that I reminisce, you were probably unbothered.

I should have known. I should have been more inclined to trust that part of my heart which always warned me of the things that always seemed to be off kilter with the way you expressed your love. Or rather, didn’t.

I was so convinced that the Universe wanted us together and that you were just terrible at talking feelings, that I always brushed it off. When you asked me to trust in you, in your love for me, I did. Blindly.

I was so oblivious to the truth behind your lies that I never thought I’ll regret trusting you.

I take another chance, take a fall, take a shot from you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat, its not from you

I loved you with a fire red

Now it’s turning blue

And you say sorry like the Angel

Heaven let me think was you

I was overwhelmed by the fact that you told me you felt it too, that I never thought of any alternatives. I was so madly invested in the idea of a future together, that it never occurred to me that you weren’t even going to allow yourself to consider it a possibility.

It never was. It never will be.

And now, you’ve gone and done it again. Kudos to you, you always manage to break those parts of me, I didn’t know could be broken, the brittle ones I thought had manged to somehow escape the first two times around. Well done, player. Well done.

I guess you must be lucky, cause this time you’ve hit all the right spots, even the ones you haven’t been aiming for.

You thought it would somehow be okay to drop a bomb on me out of nowhere, and that I’d make myself available to you at your every beck and call, but this time, you’re wrong.

It’s a little different this time. It’s changed.

When you told me that you had never loved me late one night, that part of me which always worshipped you broke. Into a multi million pieces of shattered love.

When you let your candour flow through the phone, I silently let my tears fall. When you told me of all those times you held the truth to yourself, I felt your words carving wounds into the place that’s supposed to hold my heart.

When you told me that you were doing it for me, I almost laughed at the absurdity of it all.

But I’m afraid

That’s its too late to apologize

It’s too late…

I had come so close to giving up and leaving you by myself, but just the mere thought of it always managed to inflict more pain in me than it would ever in you.

The idea of me leaving you, someone I’ve treasured ever since I’ve laid my eyes on, someone I adored without reason, someone I gave every inch of my heart to, was too painful to bear.

But all of this seemed to vanish the moment you let yourself be honest.

But that’s not your fault. The heart wants what it wants and if yours didn’t beat for mine, I won’t blame you.

But I do blame myself. For letting myself be carried away in love, for letting myself fall without thinking twice, for giving so much of me to you that now you’re gone, there seems to be nothing left of me.

The truth hurts. More than it should.

But it’s better than being in an illusion.

So thank you. For playing your part and doing it with such finesse, I’m stunned.

I have always been stunned by the person you are. So rare, so perfect. I’m in awe of you. And I still believe that you’re one of a kind, that you’re so much more than what you perceive of yourself. I have great taste. But sadly, terrible instincts.

Maybe I fell too hard, too fast, too deep. But I learned to swim, to keep my head above water and to hold my own, which I couldn’t have, weren’t it for you.

I fell in love with you even before I knew your name.

I made a home for you in my heart, not knowing you never wanted it.

And now, as I’m slowly starting to consciously unlove you at my own pace, I realise I’m good at this.

I’m more at peace with you than I’ve been in a long time. I’m more understanding of the way you seem to function, of the way you could never seem to love me like I wished you would. It’s starting to make better sense.

I was not wrong to have expectations from you, afterall you did lead me on to believe you loved me. But I was wrong to not realise the truth by myself. I should have known sooner.

But I guess everything happens at the right time, not the time when we want it to happen.

Just like the fact that we will eventually end up with the person destined for us, unlike those we decide on.

You’re right in doing what you did, and now, I’m slowly starting to feel past the pain and see past the tears blocking my vision, to do what’s right on my part.

And that is to move on.

Doing so feels right this time. It’s like my heart is telling me its high time. And my heart and mind must have expanded overnight, to accommodate some space for love for someone other than you, for love for myself.

It feels like coming home after a long time.

For so long, I’ve held you in my heart that I’ve forgotten what it’s like in there. And now, as I’m slowly learning to make a home for myself in my heart, it feels just like it should. Like it was never broken in the first place. Like it never had replaced its owner, or held anyone other than me.

I feel whole.

And now, I’m slowly starting to glue the broken parts of myself back together, I’m slowly starting to undo the damage that’s been done in the name of love, I’m slowly starting to allow the love I needed , I’m slowly starting to love myself more.

And I’m slowly learning to forget what it felt like to love you.

I don’t regret anything.

I’m grateful of the little time in our lives that we spent with each other, blissfully in friendship.

But nothing lasts forever and knowing when to move on is wisdom.

I’m nineteen and a half now, and I’ve spent three years of my life secretly dedicating time and songs to a boy whose name started with the same letter as mine, but now when the night is still young and my heart still flutters at the mention of his name, I’m tempted to dial his number which I know by heart and to hear his voice again. I don’t though.

Instead I write this.

This is me letting you go.

Update: Reposted September 2023. Young me was too good and too dramatic 😅

minimal warm ♡♡

이 기간에

세상이 비밀에 부쳐지면

그리고 이상한 불가사의한 적

우리 거리를 널브러뜨리고 있다

우리에게 촉각을 곤두세우다

나는 내 자신을 두 팔로 감싸고 있다

따뜻해지기를 바라며

하지만 따뜻한 몸이 무슨 소용이 있겠는가

냉정한 마음으로 하다

그리고 늙은 영혼…

[trans]

in this period of time

when the world is behind closed doors

and a strange, mysterious enemy

is sprawling our streets

warning us of touch

i encircle my arms around myself

hoping for some ‘warmth’

but what good does a warm body

do to a heart that is cold

and a soul that is old…

Note : Title inspired by Park Chanyeol’s ‘Minimal Warm’ from the webtoon ‘She Is My Type’ ♡

Salted Caramel

Picture this:

The night has long begun.

The air is chilly with the moisture still clung to it from the previous hour’s shower.

You are slowly trudging down a barely awake boulevard, streetlights sparsely lighting up the moonless night.

All you want to do is get to the warmth of your house and cuddle up to your beau with a cup of hot chocolate in your hands.

As you’re walking, you hear a buzzing sound and then flash!

All the lights go off at once and you’re left stranded in the darkness!

You spin around in bewilderment looking for a source of light when suddenly all the lights switch back on at once. But! What is this? Where are you? The familiar boulevard you have walked down everyday has gone and you’re standing atop a bridge, over a river, it’s violent flow spraying over you, dampening you.

You turn around again, sure you’re not in the right state of mind. What do you do? What’s happened?

---

Life’s just like that you know.

You make great plans, have your future sorted out, you know where you’re going, where you wanna reach, but then boom!

One small event and then everything is changed.

When you’re slowly trudging down the boulevard called Life and you suddenly halt, not knowing what to do, whom do you seek out? What do you choose?

Why are you stuck?

No one can answer.

But as the the clock ticks away every milli second, there’s massive changes taking place in the cosmos, unbeknownst to us.

And there’s massive changes happening inside of ourselves too. We may not be aware, but every event that plays out in this moment of our lives has an impact on the next. Every incident, interaction happens for a reason.

Like a chain of pearls, life’s a chain of events strung together.

Some events might bring a smile to your face, some of them might cause tears to well up in your eyes..

Whatever happens is instantaneous and evanescent. Nothing lasts forever.

But sometimes we get stuck in a loop, feeling the same things over and over again.

We will time to run then, to sprint forward and leave behind the dreadful memories.

But sometimes you come across some places and people who might make you want to turn back around and stay.

Some emotions that bind you to someone, connections you’re afraid you’re never going to make again..these temptations taste like caramel, sugary sweet, on the edge of your parched lips..all you want is to lick your lips and lean forward..savour the moment..

Then there are some people who feel like a day dream. Too beautiful to be true. Far from reality. You want to forever bask in the glow of the fantasy they feed you but when you try to get close to reality, the bubble bursts, and they disappear like a wisp of smoke in the wind..

Why do they come, what do they change?

It all depends on how you define the relationship.

You can always learn something, even from those you hate the most, only if you’re willing to put the past behind you and move on with nothing but pleasant thoughts.

When two people come together to form some sort of a relationship it will only go down these two paths: it either ends, or it lasts forever.

There can be no alternative.

You can try to keep it alive with all your might but once the spark is lost, all the matches in world will not be enough to reignite the flame.

Sure, the pain of separation is biased, it is always felt more intensely by the person who cares the most.

But sometimes it is harder to let go of people you once loved than to be asked to get lost.

It’s not easy to put the past behind you and put on a mask, pretend you have forgotten, pretend you don’t feel..but when it has to be done, it has to be done.

When you cry yourself to sleep at night, you taste the salt in your tears on the edge of your lips and you feel worser, because how could something that was once so sweet feel so stingy all of a sudden?

Everything that was once beautiful turns ugly, everyone once loved is left behind..

But go on, keep walking.

You’ll someday meet someone who will not make you stop and stare, but hold your hand and walk alongside you in this journey called life.

Note: This post is dedicated to Kim Jong Hyun .

종현이 너무 잘 했어요. 당신은 너무 사랑받습니다. 보고 싶어. 우리는 매일 당신을 그리워합니다. 당신의 음악은이 세상의 많은 사람들을 치유했습니다. 우리는 절대 당신을 잊지 못 할 것입니다. 평화롭게 쉬십시오 ❤️❤️❤️

SHINee 사랑해 💗

Jong Hyun 사랑해 💗💗

R.I.P Jong Hyun 1990- ♾

Champagne Supernova

How many special people change?
How many lives are living strange?
Where were you while we were getting high?

Welcome to yet another post inspired by a true friend : rock music.

These days I’m channelling my inner 1980’s aficionado through punk rock, nihilism and diet pepsi, and it’s really been doing wonders to my mind.

And that’s why we’re going to talk about growing up.

It doesn’t matter how old you are, everyone grows every single day.

It would be amazing if you could just take out time from your busy lives to grow mentally and in a productive manner. It’s very easy. All you have to do is learn a new lesson each day.

And I’m not talking about Zoom classes or online courses. Learn something from something you do every day. Learn a better way to do the same task, learn from your mistakes, learn from everyday living. Focus on what you’re doing at the moment, pay attention to your surroundings and you’ll find that there’s always something that can be learnt. The greatest of lessons can be learnt from the humblest of places.

Nobody likes growing up. Sure, when we’re young, dumb and broke we all wanted to be “grown” and “got-shit-together” but the process of actually getting your shit together is not delightful. Adulting is not easy. It’s Monday mornings and taxes and belly fat and tons of coffee and down payment and migraines and pressure. So much pressure.

Someday you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide

Does Education prepare us for adulthood? No.

Education helps a little. But no one can teach you to pull yourself back together after a heart attack or how to plan your wedding or how to deal with your kid doing drugs.

There are only certain moments in life which you can predict and they are less in number. Those moments are either trivial or highly anticipated or both. If you are able to predict the outcome of something, the impact caused by the event will not overwhelm you.

To say that life is unpredictable would be an understatement. So let me just put it like this:

“Life is but evading death.”

That was an original by the way.

It’s also true. You die. For sure. You’re born to die. Life is uncertain but death is not. So you shouldn’t shy away from speaking about it.

I’m neither asking you to welcome death nor am i asking you to be wary of life, I’m telling you that you should not waste seconds counting them.

When we’re young, we think the time on our hands is countless, the sea of possibilities endless and our potential limitless. But the ocean does end, and land does begin. And as much as we try, our hands won’t touch the sky.

When you fall back down to reality, the ground seems cold and hard. There is no feeling worser than crushed hope. Your heart will feel hollow and the world seems desolate.

On some days, your friends will be too busy to pick up the phone. Your girlfriend will probably be wallowing in her own self pity. Mom and Dad are busy arguing, younger sibling has an exam and the dog..well you don’t have a dog.

Don’t pick up the cigarettes. Pick up books. Don’t chug down another glass of beer. Learn how to play Bohemian Rhapsody on bass. Don’t call your ex. Watch re-runs of Suits.

Like fiction is an escape from reality and music is an escape from madness, growth, I believe, is an escape from the confines of one’s own mind.

Our mind does confine us. If we’re comfortable, we’re comfortably numb. If we’re in pain, we’re lulled into a false sense of hopelessness. We endure pain not because we feel too much but because we’ve been tricked into believing that we cannot do anything about it.

I can tell you from experience that you can stop feeling a certain emotion the moment you choose to.

All you have to do is assert.

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye

So many people surrender themselves to their life and their emotions and so often they end up losing themselves.

Are you controlling your life or is it controlling you?

Our system is hardwired to activate the ‘fight or flight’ instinct when put in an uncomfortable situation. But so often we end up ‘feeling’ and not doing anything about it.

Life will throw curveballs at you. You gotta duck.

A lot of the people we meet have more influence on our lives than we give them credit for. That’s because we like to ‘think’ that we’re in control of our lives. Nobody really is. It’s the marine biologists and consumer-driven capitalism that’s controlling the world. On a more serious note, friends and family contribute to seventy percent of the influence.

Now, how do you decide who gets a say and who doesn’t? It’s easy. You look for people who inspire you to be better every day.

When choosing friends, it’s really easy to go with the group which is the most fun to be around. But what will fun cost you? Not wasted hours or money but wasted opportunities to expand your comfort horizons.

‘Youth is wasted on the young’ is a popular saying among the boomers. They think we are too dumb to be of any use.

When you’re young, you should explore. You should hang out with people who encourage you to be your best self, who make you want to be better and know more. Learning a lot while we are being taken care of by our family makes the transition into being an adult and taking care of your family easier. If you are in the know, you fight a better fight.

We learn best when we have no test to write. We learn not because we have to but because we want to. And desire is always a stronger motivation than discipline.

So fill up your mind with knowledge of all that your heart desires.

---

I have something to say.

We’re not all strong. I for one, am very weak. I’m very easily swayed by my emotions. I am not an expert at expressing my emotions either. Sometimes I really do not know what to say. Sometimes my mind is a puzzle to me and my heart weighs down on me. I cannot identify every emotion i feel because sometimes i feel too much. I have trouble dissociating my emotional well being with the way people choose to express their emotions and it has messed up my life big time. In the past, i used to blame myself for not being worthy enough and then I started blaming people for their crap personalities, but i never realised i was dead wrong both the times. It’s not me, it’s not you. It’s the moment. It’s taken me a long time to sit and sift through what i was and what i wanted to be and now i am slowly trudging through the process of becoming the person i was meant to be.

I am slowly learning and mending.

Without Wax,

vodkandcokeplease 😉

Rock Music Recommendations:

1. Champagne Supernova -Oasis

2. Chasing Cars -Snow Patrol

3. You Found Me -The Fray

4. Lithium -Nirvana

5. Come Together -The Beatles

6. Valentine -5 Seconds Of Summer

How One Artist Publicly Dealt With the Aftermath of Her Rape

https://wp.me/p4KhvY-wCl

This post is an education in itself.

It does not teach us how to deal with rape, it teaches us how to deal with the world after you’re raped. It’s about how an artist comes to terms with her rape and the lack of support from responsible authorities. It’s about the coming together of an artwork, intense and inspiring. It depicts the superhero-like victim who holds the decapitated head of her tormentor in her hand, who’s depicted as a green zombie, whilst the background is a swirl of greens and blues, hazy clouds and neon signs all below a stenciled caption that reads: I am Stephanie. I was raped by a guy like this in a place like that. I told the club and the police but no one did anything. So I painted this billboard.

It shockes me how the painting is similar to the depiction of the Hindu Goddess Kali who is always shown in a warrior-goddess like avatar, a string of bones around her neck, her tongue drawn out, her eyes blazing with anger and in her hand, the severed head of the demon Daruka.

The inspiring tale of Stephanie Montgomery has managed to make feminism-shy females such as me to speak up. That’s right, I’m quite shy when it comes to feminism. I’ve always feared being a feminist will be quite unattractive and uncomfortable to the opposite gender and was wary of being stereotyped, completely unaware that I was stereotyping those of the female populace who proudly wore that badge. But, I’ve realised that being a feminist doesn’t mean being pro- female or anti-male. It means speaking against the societal evils such as rape, discrimination and pay gap which torment our gender. If you’re a true feminist, you’re not anti-male but rather, you’re an equalist. One who believes in the equality of all, regardless of gender, race, sexual orientation etc etc.

Mothers are female. I believe every female whether a human or a dog or a lion possesses the quality to nurture and care. We are born with it. I don’t mean that men lack it, of course, I’ve personally witnessed strong male characters in my life who have nurtured me as my mother would. But I’m saying the ability to care is an inherent quality all females possess and exhibit at some point in their lives. We cannot escape it. And just as a mother would never discriminate amongst her children, women do not discriminate amongst humans. Atleast, I’m hoping we don’t. So, this is not just for feminists or men who stand with them. This is for you and for me and for every girl out there who’s too shy to admit to being a feminist.

Stop being shy. Stop being hesitant. Speak up for yourself and for what you believe is right.

There’s nothing a girl can’t do. Remember, they name the most powerful storms after women for a reason.

The Stars in the Shadows

Woke up on the wrong side of reality
And there’s a madness that’s just coursing right through me
And as far as the time, far as the time
Not sure I’m there yet but I’m certain I’ve arrived

I’ve talked about a lot of underrated things on this blog. Like the feeling of missing someone, or loneliness. Things have been happy and hunky dory so far, but now is the time to turn off the light and see through the darkness. At the stars which shine in the shadows.

I’ve never really understood why ‘Good’ is advocated so much and why the ‘Heroes’ always win.

I think everyone’s failing to understand the importance of villains, that the heroes would be nowhere if not for the villains. Afterall, if there was no viallain, the good guy has to stay at home.

I’m not just talking about the bad guys in the movies… I’m talking about the ones among us, the ones inside us.

Just like every coin has two sides to it, everybody has two personalities : the good and the bad.

Nobody can be entirely good and nobody can be completely bad. We’re all made up of a little bit of this, and a little bit of that. We’re a melange of some things sugar and some things spice.

We can’t control what we feel, but we can control how we react to it and I think that is what defines who we are. Momentarily, at least.

Nobody can completely agree to having been a ‘nice person’ throughout their life, and I’ve a personal belief that people who confess to having been ‘bad’ throughout, were once nice guys who just had to take a lot of shit. And becoming ‘bad’ is their way of reacting to it.

Imagine you were being beaten up by this big bully. Let’s say, you don’t react, you just keep letting him use you as a punching bag cause you think he’ll eventually get tired. He doesn’t stop, keeps going until you start to taste blood in your mouth. If you keep taking blow by blow, there comes a point when you eventually lose it, the blackness that started to cloud your vision is now replaced with red, blinding red hot anger, and you start to throw in a punch or two of your own. You feel out of control, being consumed by the rage that built up inside you and you keep punching him, not sure where they land, but you keep going on cause you want him to feel more pain than he made you feel.

You’ve now broken him. Whilst he’s lying in a pool of his own blood, you’re looking down at him, panting and out of breath and knuckles bleeding , feeling a kind of a sadistic satisfaction come over you.

Tell me, how different are you from the bully?

He hurt you to extract joy out of your misery and you hurt him to see your misery turn into joy.

We live in a world built on empty promises, constructed by liars. The first lie we’re told in our life, is that there are monsters out there, when what we should’ve been taught was how to battle the monsters among us, within us.

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

The demons prevailing inside of us, feeding on our happiest moments and preying on us in our loneliest are a lot like the Dementors from the wizarding world of Harry Potter.

They suck the life right out of you, leaving you void and insentient.

I’ve had to deal with many such on my own, but that’s another entirely different post. What I’m talking about is what if we learn to project our demons?

There are examples of classic villains like Lord Ravana, Lucifer the Fallen Angel, The Joker, Voldemort, Moriarty and more…

I know how Lord Rama of Ayodhya is always celebrated as the doer of Good and the slayer of Evil, but why hasn’t anyone thought about Ravana, the Demon King of Lanka?

Ravana was a learned and efficient king, vicious in thoughts and ruthless in battle, but he was the hero in his story.

He seeked to avenge his sister and fought for what he believed in, until the very end.

So did Thanos. Like the rest of you, I haven’t seen End Game yet, but I’m pretty sure that ‘the snap’ will be reversed in the culmination to the Avengers franchise and Thanos will most likely… cease to exist.

If they weere to ever make a spinoff of End Game, I’d kill to see a movie in which Thanos prevailed. Where for once, the good didn’t exist, the heroes never came out in their capes, the world simply accepted the darkness and the shadows arising from it, and where chaos was the new calm.

I’m quite shameless in admitting to you that I’m quite the fan of evil myself.

And that’s because I’m tired. I’m tired of being the nice girl all the time. Kindness goes a long way, but meanness goes further.

Like a small boat
On the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
But I can make an explosion

It’s downright insufferable to be pushed around all the time, so sometimes we gotta get up, dust ourselves off and show em’ the finger. No feelings. No regrets.

Remember, until the lion learns how to write, every story will glorify the hunter.

It’s high time we take matters into our own hands, and teach the hunter how to prey.

Without Wax or Regrets,

vodkandcokeplease

Cuz, everything’s better with it 😉

P. S: Songs in order :-

Young and Menace by Fall Out Boy

Demons by Imagine Dragons

Fight Song by Rachel Platten

This post is a result of me introspecting the maleficent version of my former self I’ve become in the past year or so. It’s definitely not an apology. I am an outright asshole.

Et tu Brute?

“A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.”

– William Shakespeare.

I think a wound hurts a hell lot more when the person who wounded you happens to be someone you thought was your friend.

When Roman Emperor Julius Caesar was lying in a pool of his own blood, too weak to retaliate, the wound that finally killed him was that of his best friend Brutus.

Brutus stabs him in the back and the betrayal hurts Caesar more than the knife wound. He says “Et tu Brute?” and collapses, devastated.

Such is the power of friendship. It can breathe life into you, or it can kill you. I’ve recently had a very nasty experience with a “friend” and it made me take a step back and analyze. Maybe I was doing it wrong the whole time.

Look I don’t know if I’m a good friend or not, but I do know that if I consider someone my friend, I would be willing to go to the far ends of the world for them. I can also be completely difficult to handle sometimes, but I do know that whoever knows me best will never misunderstand me.

I have three types of friends and here’s something I need to tell all of them.

Dear Friend,

If you’re someone who is “nice” to me and whom I’m “nice” to, on a daily basis, who waves at me everywhere you see me and we’ve had conversations filled with subtle closeness filled with awkward jokes and silences, then this one’s for you.

You’re my friend. Just a friend.

I probably never let you in on the shit going in my life, never complain to you and have probably never gotten mad at you. I probably don’t feel comfortable doing that as we’re not close enough. But today, I want to erase all and any sort of boundaries between us and talk to you from the bottom of my heart.

The way I treat you reflects the way I am.

You come under the “acquaintance” category, which means you don’t know much about me on a personal level, have probably been astonished by some of the things I do around my close friends. That’s because even if do come off as confident and extroverted, I’m a very shy person by nature and it takes time for me to get comfortable and be myself around new people.

Just because I don’t talk much, or hang out with you as often as you’d like doesn’t mean I dislike you, it just means I’m shy and wary of what you’ll think of me.

So, give it some time. Give me some time, let me open up by myself, don’t hate me or patronize me, I’ll take time to get out of my shell and when I do, you’ll know how loyal and crazy I can be.

Dear Fake Friend,

All my life, I’ve been trying to avoid you. I mean, ever since I’ve known this ‘Fake Friends’ concept existed, I’ve been going out of my way to not make any.

But shit happens and there’s always going to be this bunch of people who hate your guts and for some reason, you guys ended up being those people, and now you’ve put me in a very awkward situation by loving me and hating me at the same time. I’m being honest, that’s how you actually are. You blow hot, you blow cold.

You pretend to be my friend, pretend to care, pretend to enjoy my company, and when I’m in distress and in need of actual support, you either dissappear or either sit there and pretend you’re completely unaffected by my plight.You don’t really want to hangout with me, you’d rather I was left out, you will never encourage me and you really don’t want to see me do well.

I don’t know what I’ve done to make you dislike me, but I’m sorry. I’m really sorry you’re not able to openly express your feelings of dislike for me, and instead have to put up with my annoying self. I’m truly sorry. But I’m tired of this double edged sword game we’re playing.

I don’t like feeling something and then doing something altogether different. I’m not very good at pretending and have probably slipped up quite a few times, but that’s just me. I like to be unapologetically honest with myself and others.

If I like you, I’ll let you know. And if I hate you, I’ll let you know. The ‘in-between’ is what absolutely drives me nuts, I cannot keep up.

Your pretence is what’s keeping me from being myself and I blame you for that. I’m tired of harboring feelings of dislike for you on the inside, but pretending to be your best friend on the outside. And I’m honestly tired of receiving the same treatment from you.

So henceforth, I grant you a boon. You’re hereby relieved of your duty of pretending to like me. You’re free to hate me as much as you like. I’ll do the same. Let’s be honest, upfront and at peace with each other.

Dear Best Friend,

I love you and I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you.

I always say that the best things in life happen when we least expect them, and I know for a fact that I’ve met and bonded with all three of you when I least expected it. You’re Godsend and i couldn’t be more thankful to him.

You’ve been there for me when the world has shunned me, you’ve seen me at my best and at my worst, have never judged me and always made me feel like I was worthy, that I was meant to do great things.

Maybe we don’t speak or hang out as often as we’d like, but I know that you’re always there for me. I’m trying extremely hard not be clichè, but that’s just how it is with you guys. You make all those clichès come true and I wouldn’t have made it this far without you. Thanks for making hellish days feel like heaven, thanks for telling me I’m the best just to encourage me, but most of all, thanks for accepting me and loving me for who I am.

You were the anchor that kept me afloat when I felt like I was drowning.

Thanks for making me feel loved. Call me.

Without Wax,

vodkandcokeplease

Cuz, everything’s better with it 😉

P. S : This is dedicated to the three best friends I’ve been blessed with.

These Towering Walls

I used to rule the world

Seas would rise when I gave the word

Now in the morning I sleep alone

Sweep the streets I used to own

King Louis XVI, stood at the Donjon of the Palace of Versailles and surveyed the view below.

The high terrace gave a breathtaking and bird’s eye view of the exquisite Gardens, Paths and Patteres, Fountains and Groves below, enthralling the viewer with the lush greenery and serendipitous tranquility.

But the King of France paid no attention to them today. Today, he was looking far beyond the Castle walls, at La Paris au Centrale, where the masses and les révolutionnaires were plotting, putting their heads together, thinking mutiny, to overthrow him and his reign. He thought of his wife, his cherè Mary Antoinette and their young kids and felt a shiver down his spine. He was anxious to protect them from the anger and hatred the public bore for him and the French Administration.

He descended down the flight of stairs and into his private chambers, shooed away his servants, undressed and went to bed, still deep in thought.

I used to roll the dice

Feel the fear in the enemy’s eyes

Listen as the crowd would sing

“Now the old King is dead, long live the King!”

One minute I held the Key

Next, the world was closed on me

And I discovered that my castles stand

Upon pillars of salt, and pillars of sand

The people of France were hungry, impoverished, unemployed and vexed.

He was a noble man. He was an intellectual, a devout Catholic, a doting husband and a loving father and surprisingly dedicated to his people’s wellbeing.

But the erroneous decisions taken by their King one after the other did nothing to make their situation better, and there was a general consensus that he was an imbecile, a coward and a poor king. First, it was his marriage to Mary Antoinette that raised suspicion. Next, it was his extravagant and inconsiderate lifestyle and Court privileges which he refused to lessen in the face of a financial crisis ensuing in the kingdom which further cemented his unpopularity in the hearts of the commoners.

Revolutionaries wait

For my head on a silver plate

Just a puppet on a lonely string

Oh, who would ever wanna be King?

They called him ‘Citizen Louis Capet‘ and planned to overthrow the empire.He thought of his wife, his intelligent, fierce and devoted wife and felt a pang of distress in his heart. He had to protect her. The masses, harboring deep vengeance, seemed keen to unleash their wrath upon her and seek revenge. She was his weakness and the cause of his damnation.

He decided to flee to Austria, to seek asylum, to protect his family from the usurpers.

But in vain.

There had been a betrayal, someone gave away their whereabouts, and they were caught.

When he was sentenced to death, he saw himself as a Messianic figure. In front of the Guillotine, he said to the crowd :
“Here I die, as an innocent man, for crimes I did not commit. I forgive and hold no anger towards those who wanted my death. May the blood you are about to spill never curse the fate of France, so help me God !”.

Sadly, military music was ordered to be played by the Révolutionnaires, and hardly anyone heard him. He went down to History as a tragic figure – and I’d gladly admit the behavior he displayed in the very face of Death is quite stunning and really noble.

But that didn’t save him did it?

That’s what I want to tell you.

No matter how good or pure we are on the inside, it’s what we reflect on the outside which cements our relationship with those around us and inadvertently determines our life.

Getting irrationally frustrated or angry is something we think we can’t help, but actually we can. You think you can’t help what others think about you and pretend like you don’t give a damn about their opinions, but in reality, what people around you perceive you as does have an impact on you, and quiet a big one at that.

You can’t forever do as you please and hope to get away with it. You’ll have to face the music some day. So it’s better to stop pretending to be a big baby and learn to take shit and deal with it. It absolutely sucks, trust me i know, but sometimes you’ll have to please others and not yourselves. Sometimes you’ll have to fake a smile while complimenting that girl you don’t like, sometimes you’ll have to pretend that you loved that bullshit presentation your senior at work gave, and sometimes you simply have to type out a reluctant “With all due respect” when you really want to scream a “Fuck you” in their face.

Patience and humility bear sweeter and more gratifying fruits than impulsive yelling and rash behaviour.

I totally understand how difficult it can get to control one’s temper and the need to just snap at someone, but it’s important to understand that words once said, can’t be taken back and each person’s perspective is different.

They may never be able to understand that what you had said in the heat of the moment came from your head and not your heart, and you might end up losing someone important.

Sometimes you’ll have to break the towering walls of the narcissistic, self-righteous image you’ve built up of yourself and realize that you’re just a tiny speck of dust in this vast Universe.

Maturity is learning to tone down feelings of frustration, ego and impatience and learning to strive forward in the face of adversity with kindness and grace. It doesn’t necessarily have to come with age or out of experience. Age is just a number, but maturity is a choice.

You’ll simply have to do with remembering that there are bigger and more important things than ego like your career and family.

You might be the best, but it doesn’t mean you’ll always have to win. You might be right, but it doesn’t mean you’ll always have to lead. Sometimes you end up being the Robin to someone else’s Batman, and that’s okay.

If you can’t control how well you present yourself, with patience and poise, remember that you’ll end up being The Joker. Iconic. But tragic.

When life gives you lemons, make a blockbuster Lemonade out of it, like Beyoncé did.

Without Wax,

vodkandcokeplease

Cuz, everything’s better with it 😉

P. S The song is Viva La Vida by Coldplay and I honestly pity you if you haven’t heard it.

Shut Up and Dance

Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance when you’re perfectly free.”

– Rumi.

2011 New Year’s Eve:

It was around 10:30 in the night. My girl gang from back when I was 12 years old and I were seated on the rooftop of our apartment dining together, ignoring our parents who were yelling at us from below to climb down.

The New Year’s Eve Party was in full swing in our apartment complex and all the neighbours had come together to celebrate. My friends and I were still reeling from excitement for what we had planned for the night. We were dancing to some of the biggest hits of the year and had even rehearsed a play. And guess who had choreographed the entire thing? Me!

So before the clock struck twelve, we set up our performance and rocked it too! The crowd was hooting, whistling and screaming “Once more!” My friends were thrilled with the reaction and proceeded to tell everyone that it was me who planned the entire dance sequence. I was beyond ecstatic! In a single night, I went from being the nerdy bookworm of the entire batch to the girl who’s got major moves! I had great fun that night. It went exactly how I hoped it would. The moon shining brightly over us, my parents letting me stay out past my curfew, my recently unearthed dancing skills being over appreciated and me being the life of the party… It was like in a movie. The entire night. And that’s how I knew 2012 was going to be a great year.

And great it was.

2018 New Year’s Eve :

Six years had passed since I had the greatest year of my 19 year old life. Every New Year’s Eve, I tried to recreate the magic that happened during that night many years ago, in the hope of having another great year. And every year, it only went from bad to worse and this time, I had given up all hope because I wasn’t going to be spending New Year’s Eve with my family.

It was the first ever time for me, and I was disheartened. The upside to the situation, as my family put it, was I could spend the night partying with my friends. Nothing they said could shake me from my doleful reverie and I decided to just sleep in that night.But my friends were having none of it and threatened me with everything they could think of and I resigned, deciding to sulk throughout the party. But fate had another thing planned. There was definitely something in the air that night. I mean, not to be clichè, but the moment I stepped outdoors and into the grounds where the party was going on, I felt this sense of thrill. Maybe it was the euphoria all around me, or the desi beats the DJ was churning out, or the way all my friends were dancing without any care.

I danced too. After a very long time. In public. Non-stop. Recklessly. Not caring who saw me or videotaped me. Not bothering if my carefully set up image as the quiet girl was getting tarnished. We lost ourselves in the music and let our moves do the talking. That’s probably the only way to describe it. The night ended on a high note. Literally. I don’t drink, smoke or use drugs, so the only explanation as to where all this psychedelic euphoria came from had to be the hormone serotonin. My body was releasing happy hormones. The clock struck twelve, we shrieked out of happiness, hugged and wished each other, and jumped off the stage to the opening notes of a much loved rock song like true rock stars. That’s when I realised how great 2019 was going to be. It was like deja vu.

We’re now twenty nine days into the new year, and I stand by what I’d said earlier. 2019 is going to be awesome, I can feel it in my bones and the way the days have been panning out.It’s like I’m a ship, sailing on calm waters. Mackerel skies and mare’s gails, no wind or storm can rock my sails. I’m not going to lie and say that all days have been great, and that I’ve felt loved and blessed throughout. Not at all. I have felt desolate and depressed and I probably will again.

But the miracle lies in the fact that even though I fell down hard, it didn’t take long for me to get back up and keep going. I mean, I always had that problem. I was always dependent on someone or something to cheer me up and put me out of my misery, but this time around I didn’t need anybody. The best part was this: I had sent in my date of birth details to this famed astrologer over the Internet and on the 2nd of January, I received this email from her saying that this is going to be the year when I finally connect with the love of my life, and that too in a span of two weeks, and I remember thinking “Bullshit.”

But, maybe there was some truth to what she prophesied. I did meet my best friend, biggest cheerleader and true love. I met her in the mirror.This year I realised that I am not for everyone. I know my truth, I know who I am, I know what I do and do not bring to the table. I am not easy to deal with, or the best person to be friends with. I’m not always kind or wise, I’m frustrating and confusing. But I do bring tons of good things . I bring love and strength. I bring value.

I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions.

– Augusten Burroughs.

This year, I realised that we are like a mirror. If we continue to starve ourselves of love, we’ll meet people who’ll starve us too. If we fill ourselves with love, the universe will only hand us those who’ll love us too.

So, to finally sum it all up, I’m asking you to love yourself. Work on yourself and love yourself as you would your child. Everything starts with how you feel about yourself and how much faith you have in yourself. This year, go solo. Learn to be independent. Learn to cut the toxic threads you’ve been tangled up in and instead, knit yourself an armor of love and comfort.

Dance like i did. With abandon. To the rhythm in your bones, that guides you to what you’re destined. You don’t need a partner. You just need a good song 😉

Without Wax,

vodkandcokeplease

Cuz, everything’s better with it 😉

P. S: This is probably the longest post I’ve written, so if you’re reading till here, THANK U, I LOVE U.

P. P. S: Listen to Lush Life by Zara Larsson and Shut Up and Dance by Walk The Moon whilst you re-read this. I swear you’ll get up and dance, I kid you not.